Free Podcast Novel

 

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What the nationalist perverts didn’t know, and what would probably lead to their downfall, was that the Kid was privy to being shocked.  Damn it, that was Aloha’s word.  Anyway, Aloha had shocked the Kid enough times for him to develop a resistance to it.  Like, spsshh, it still hurt, of course, but it hadn’t knocked him out.  One of the pervs had taken over the speech.  That gave the Kid some time to work on the ropes.

Like, the Kid was privy to being tied up, too.  Pretty much, after sharing an apartment with Aloha, the Kid was privy to any kind of attack.  More often than not, when he came home Aloha would attack him.  It was funny at best and annoying at worst; Aloha had never hurt him.  But, Aloha had taught the Kid to be ready for anything.  One night, the Kid had opened the apartment door and been kicked in the face by the Big Boot.  The apartment had spun around him as Aloha had tied him to the sofa and fired up a circular saw.  The Kid had escaped with little problem, working his way out of the ropes out of necessity, so he thought he was ready.

 

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When Apocalypse Dowell was hungry, it made him crazy.  It happened a lot, especially on airplanes and at weddings.  He wondered how people who were poor and had little to eat managed to remain sane.  A headache was starting to grow in the back of his head; being around Aloha was making it worse.

James returned to the futon.  “There’s a robot at the door.  Says it wants Mick Aloha.”

Aloha shook his head.  “I’m privy to robots knocking at my door, dude.  As soon as I answer it, that thing will attack me.  I’m privy to robot attacks, too, so it won’t be a problem, but I’m kind of tired, it’s getting late, and I wouldn’t mind getting me some sleep.  Is there anything to eat around here?”

“Yeah, we might have some crackers, but we’ll have to share.  I’m starving.”

“You can have the crackers, Dowell.  That’s hippy food.”

The doorbell rang again.

Dowell walked around the junkpile and to the door, where the viewscreen showed a messenger robot hovering on the other side of the door.  Dowell opened the door.

The messenger robot hovered in the doorway.  Dowell motioned for it to follow him.

When Aloha saw the robot behind Dowell, he jumped to his feet and took a karate pose.  “It all makes sense now, Dowell.  You’re the one behind all of this.  Yes, this makes total sense.  The hero—that’s me—living with the villain—that’s you—in the same apartment.”

 

 Standard Podcast [16:47m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

On a dark street in Kyoto, Aloha checked under the van. There were five dead cyborgs; that had to be a new record. There were no dead ninjas, though. That was good. He was still hoping to make it with at least one of them, if not both, and killing them would hurt his odds.

“Where’d you go, ladies?”

A voice came from the distance. “Ne, you tried to kill us.” 

Aloha laughed. “If I wanted to kill you, you’d be dead. That’s how I do things. I knew the two of you would be…wait, is the other one okay?”  

“Okay desu!”  

“Glad to hear that, Ninja K. I knew you’d both be fine, since you’re both ninjas. I knew you’d jump out of the way.”  

“Ne, you almost killed us.”  

“Almost, but not quite. Anyway, how can you say I almost killed you? Almost for most people is like not even close for ninjas. Now, come on out and check out the signal in the sky.”  

There were swooshing sounds, and then Aloha could see the girls approaching him on the street. They sure were ninjas.  

Aloha pointed at the beam of light and the shape in the clouds.  

“Ne, what’s that shape? A worm?”  

“No, madam, it’s not a worm. It’s a snake. It’s a king cobra.”

 

 Standard Podcast [14:32m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

This was easily the best run of the Kid’s life.  Like, no one would believe how fast he was running.  He was running from the cyborg, which made him run faster than usual.  Maybe that was the trick.  Maybe every time he ran, he should try to get a cyborg to chase him.  Then, he’d be in great shape.  Like, he totally couldn’t wait to tell Tony and Rick about his run.  They’d be stoked and amped to hear about it.  They might even throw him a party.

The Kid thought about just running to the airport.  He’d had enough of Japan and fighting robots.  He knew the planes were no longer flying, though, and he knew he’d have to identify himself at the airport.  Folks weren’t taking too kindly to foreigners around here, so the Kid would have to bide his time.  He’d have to let himself stew.  Wait, that was Aloha’s word.  When you started picking up vocabulary from Aloha, then you knew you were in trouble.

 

 Standard Podcast [14:38m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

WARNING!  This episode contains innuendo and a few words that are not work/kid-safe.

Apologies to Lord Kaosu.

Apocalypse Dowell was sick of Japanese TV.  It was all the same.  They ran variety shows where pseudo-celebrities talked about boring crap.  Almost every show had some mention of food.  It was so boring, Dowell had found himself just staring at the wall instead of watching.  In a time of robot invasions, they were still running the same TV shows. Maybe they thought a change in programming would bring on panic.

James and the Kid sat beside him on the futon.  He was sick of them, too.  The Kid just talked about Tony, Rick, surfing, and his Visa bill.  James talked about his Camaro and chicks.  Dowell was starting to understand the meaning of cabin fever.  He thought it might be best to just go out and get killed; at least it would give him some relief.

The apartment door opened.  Eri, the nerd, and the taxi driver stepped inside.  The taxi driver had a deep gash on his right arm; Dowell thought it needed stitches, but then again, he could never tell when cuts needed stitches, so maybe it didn’t.

Eri had a small cut on her face.

The nerd had two black eyes.

They came in, pushed aside some junk, and sat on the floor.

Dowell turned off the TV.  “Well, how’d it go?”

The taxi driver held out his right arm.  “Cut.”

“Yeah, I can see that.”

The taxi driver nodded.  “Maybe finished.  Early in day, saw many cyborg.  Last few hours, no cyborg.  Maybe all are dead.”

The nerd nodded, although Dowell doubted the nerd had understood any of the taxi driver’s English.

James slapped the nerd on the shoulder.  “What happened to your eyes, man?  You look like a raccoon.”